if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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