tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
