The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
