there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
