This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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