I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
