I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
