my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
