Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
