32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
