I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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