I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize