you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize