i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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