I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
