I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
