I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize