I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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