That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
