the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
