A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
