I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
