OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
