I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
