Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
