I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
