Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
