when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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