Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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