Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
