Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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