Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
