And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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