I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
