oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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