Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
