the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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