How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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