Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
