i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
