I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
