I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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