when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
