I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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