I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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