Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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