when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
