the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
