I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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