there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
