I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
