Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
and you fell through a lawn chair
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Pooping to opera.
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