Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
