As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
