There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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