the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
