Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
At least make sure they are 18
Why
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
