Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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