It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
